I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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