; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
