Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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