peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You ruined the universe
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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