my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
