Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
