If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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