Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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