if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
