she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
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I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
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I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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