I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
