I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
