I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
