I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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