Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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