I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
