Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
