the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
