the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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