dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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