I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
