It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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