I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Ketchup is God's man juice
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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