I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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