We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize