Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
