So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
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i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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