Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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