he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
