i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
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Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
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As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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