in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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