I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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