If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
