so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
