I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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