Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
