My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
