i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Randomize
