Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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