it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
