Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize