Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
