I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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