Sry I called you an 8
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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