She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
