I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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