Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
