Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize