It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
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pop tarts are not kleenex
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
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doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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