Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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