i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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