I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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