i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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