I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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