call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
A+ Viking dick
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
