Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
