Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
